To my son:

Stress is at an all time high and I haven't been working out as I would like but I have been taking the time to watch my son grow and know that with time the stress will dissipate and my love for my son will not.  I have a 4 mile fun run that not only am I not trained up for I even forgot it was this weekend until my husband mentioned it to me.  But instead of freaking out I just asked him if he would mind taking my son along to see me run.  I want him to know that his mom will always give her all even if it's not perfect.  I may be inching away from my goal of meeting race weight for next season instead of towards it but that is not adding to my stress.  I will put that goal in it's place and wait until the timing is right.  I wrote a letter to my son right before his birthday not sure where it came from but I know that for now this is where my focus is:

To my son:

As your second birthday approaches I am proud and sentimental.  Every evening as I cradle you in my arms to help you brush your teeth I look at your curious and kind eyes and become a little sentimental.  I fight back the tears I feel welling up and smile at you.  I think about how I cradled you for most of your first year and how good it feels to provide you comfort, protection and joy.  As you passed through your second year, your head gradually lifted from my arms as you became more independent and eager to explore the world.  With each bounding step and curious point and ohhh and ahhh your head found my arms less and less.   As we sit on the month of your second anniversary of life the only time I get to cradle you is while I brush your teeth.  A simple daily chore to you, a treasured opportunity for me.  I cherish these moments and soak them in and am so happy that you let me help you with brushing your teeth because without those moments I would no longer have the chance to cradle you.  Even then as I see your bouncing legs spill over my lap I know that this too will soon fade as you will get too big to cradle and you will be brushing your teeth completely on your own.  My love for you knows no boundaries and I am amazed daily by the capacity of one’s heart to grow, every time I think my heart might burst because of all the love I have for you it grows a little more.  So as I open up my cradled arms to let you spread your wings and fly like a butterfly coming out of its cocoon I hope you know that if you look back and see a tear slide down my cheek it is not out of sadness but out of overwhelming joy, never ending love, insurmountable pride and simple contentment. 

I have lived a very full life and am very lucky that you have come along to continue on this journey with me.  I have no regrets and strive to learn from my mistakes and hope to pass along what you may find helpful so that you may feel this kind of joy in your life as you explore the world and make the best of what you have.  I hope to show you that to be loved is also to give love and that to be kind to this earth we inhabit and all those who try to have their small piece on it as well will enrich your life more than any material item ever will.  To be part of a community and take action for what you believe.  To not ever be scared of what others may think as long as you know that your heart is always in the right place.  To analyze and question with an open mind and never go along with the status quo just because but for when you do it’s because it’s what your heart and mind tell you is right.    It’s ok to be different it’s ok to be the same.  I am not perfect and I will get angry or sad and make mistakes but will always, always love you and come back to that for strength.  If I can only be that strength for you, then I will feel I’ve been the mother you deserve.  

Conflict

Conflict.  Yes I said it conflict.  Doesn't it seem like every time you say that word it gets harsher? Conflict surrounds so many parts of our lives and we tend to view it as having a negative connotation.  But can it be positive and help us grow?  I am in the business of conflict or the resolution of it, yet I still don't understand where it comes from in most cases.  I have conflict in my personal life.  Kind of as a break away from my last post about perfectionism, I have daily battles with the conflict that arises from my perception of how things "should be" and how they really are.  But if I could just figure out how to PAUSE then conflict wouldn't be an issue.  During a work luncheon today the speaker proposed a very simplistic approach to conflict but it makes a lot of sense we just don't take the time to think about it.  I personally know most of my actions that I take due to a perceived conflict tend to be knee jerk reactions and if I would just pause for a minute my reaction may very well differ and potentially have more favorable results.  But his main point was conflict starts within us before we ever have that conversation with someone else.  We have our own "world" and our own perceptions therefore conflict starts with us before even adding someone else into the mix. 

He asked don't we all have that one thing that sets us off?  The one I volunteered is "the poor me syndrome" if anyone comes off as having that attitude as if everything is always happening TO them and nothing is ever their fault and woe is me life is so unfair it irks me.  But do I ever pause to think where they are coming from?  Of coure to avoid those knee jerk reactions we have to practice, practice, practice.  For me I have to really practice the pause.  Instead of hitting reply and angrily sending off an email 2 seconds after receiving it or instead of drastically changing my entire training plan because of one little hiccup if I would just pause I think my results would be much different. 

Conflict can arise from diversity and from change and those things can be very inspiring and energizing.  I'm an all or nothing kind of person and I'm an action item addict.  What can I do right now to make things happen?  But sometimes looking down the road a little bit further would be very helpful.  I accomplished only some of my goals this last training season and I often backed out of races because I knew I wasn't going to get my ideal training in.  But if I changed my world a little my results may make me happier.  Maybe I wouldn't have been able to finish as strong as I wanted but I would have been able to participate in more races and hang out with my friends that inspire me to do more and do better.  If I can't do that long bike ride out on the road then I guess I need to get on the trainer and make the best of it.  If I'm too tired to get that sprint training in on the track at night maybe a quick jog around the neighborhood instead wouldn't be the end of the world.

We both got new running shoes!

My new favorite hat, race swag.

This weekend I was able to go for a run, a bike ride, and even test out some new bikes.  I was able to have some quality family time and enjoy my weekend.  That's what sticks with me.  Not the fact that my son was a little sleep deprived on Sat. and was extra cranky with me most of the day.  Because that Sunday he was a ray of sunshine and made up for any of the headaches he gave me the day before.  This last week I really worked hard and got some quality work outs in even though I wasn't training for anything other than life.  Today I had to skip my lunch workout due to this meeting and I'm already thinking to myself there's no way I'm going to get out there on the track after 7pm on a full stomach and do those sprints, who am I kidding thinking I should look for a half marathon to train for.  But instead I'm going to say you know what I may or may not make it to the track, I may or may not find a half marathon to train for this fall.  But I'm going to pause and instead of all or nothing if I don't get out on the track I'm going to do some sort of run somehow.  Even if it's just a mile with the dog.  I'm going to breathe some fresh air and leave

Our post ride selfie he's always so happy to see me when I get home!

This kid loves chips and salsa just like his moma!

work behind and forget about the mess in the kitchen.

Happy Training!

Perfecting my Imperfections...

Over the long weekend I told a friend that I was going down to Tingley Beach (a few very small man made lakes) with my 2 yo to feed the ducks bread.  She said she would join us with her daughter.  When we met up as I grabbed my son just as he was knee deep in duck poop water and trying to swim after the ducks and her daughter was asking her for more bread I laughed.  I said "You know when I invited you I envisioned a much more relaxing event!!!"  I thought our children might slowly throw in pieces of bread from a distance not right at the edge of the water, I imagined a cool breeze not a hotter than normal labor day, and I thought we'd be chatting and catching up on our latest adventures.  Instead I was sweating more than I do on a hard work out chasing my son in the hot sun protecting him from the angry geese that don't like to be chased by a two year old trying to force feed them stale bread (they probably have ptsd after escaping a foie gras farm), explaining to him that no we can't swim in the dirty water, trying to get him to share the bread we brought with his friend, reminding him no not all dogs are Lexi and some of them bight, and watching as my friend runs to the bathroom with her recently potty trained daughter before she pees her pants.  I think we got about two full sentences in with each other.  In the end though as I sat in the car with the air conditioner blasting to cool us off and my son sat in the back chugging water and saying "quack, qua, bye, bye ducky" we both were content and ready to head home for a big meal. 

Why did I open with this little story?  Well, I feel like that has been my life lately.  These visions of perfect scenarios dancing in my head but when I live them they are a series of imperfections.  I have been on a hiatus from writing on here not purposefully but more from feeling overwhelmed with life.  Work has been stressful and my triathlon season was not what I thought it would be and my home life has been a roller coaster.  But in the end I'm still here and I'm still living to my fullest potential and my son brings me the light I need to sustain the energy to keep going.  Even though I was running late to that one triathlon and missed podium by 20 seconds or so I was so happy to have my son there watching me and my parents there helping.  My life is no where near perfect but as long as I have my family and friends there as support I'll be able to keep my head above water.  As long as my son keeps telling me "luv uuuu mama" and laughing hysterically when I dance with him I'll be fulfilled.  I just have to let go of the perfectionism or striving for unattainable goals.  Focus on the ones I can accomplish and make new ones as I meet those.  I made my goals for off season.

This season I did 2 sprint triathlons and 1 olympic.  I felt strong considering that I never got in all the training time I wanted. But of course I'm not back to what I was use to feeling like out there.  What surprised me the most is how hard it has been to rebuild my bike base.  So over the off season I'm looking to get back to my old "race weight" which is not too far off from where I am now but I just feel like it would help make me faster but more importantly just to eat "cleaner" so that I feel my best.  The first thing I did was re-quit drinking Diet Dr Ps and I'm also cutting out alcohol.  Other than that I eat pretty clean besides the occasional dessert indulgence.  I'm also increasing my weight training to make sure my abs and back are strong before starting up again.  Surprisingly my swim felt the most improved this season.  I'm looking at investing in new bike (mine is over 12 years old and has been through 2 IMs, 1 HIM, and over 40 sprint and olympics) I think the poor thing is on it's last leg.  You can hear me coming from a mile away and the chain keeps falling off.  I'm also looking to invest in a treadmill so I can do interval training at home when I can't leave the house because the kiddo is sleeping and I'm the only one there to take care o him.  My goal for next season is to do 3-4 sprints and 1 olympic distance. Yes, you got that right I'm not setting time or other goals just goals to get out there more!

He turned 2 last month!!

Trying a new brand nervous...

Happy Training!!!

Backiotomy

My husband fancies himself quite the comedian and while a lot of times I try not to encourage his "tasteless" or horrible "dad" jokes lately he's been going around saying "The doctor said i need a backiotomy" and I have to admit I giggle inside because it's so true!!!  Out of all the things they prepare you for when becoming a parent one I was not prepared for at all was the back pain (I'm being literal here not figurative) that can accompany it.  As my son gets older/heavier it's been more and more prevalent and while it is only to the level of discomfort and occasional shooting pain if I position myself in very specific ways it is definitely affecting my training at this point.  The oddest part of all of this is that the pain is at it's worst during swims then second worst runs and during my bike rides I don't feel it at all.  So of course I've fallen in love with my bike all over again but my running has been paying the price!  I now DREAD my long runs and have become even slower than usual.  It even became part of small rift between me and one of my running buddies when they tried to push me harder on a long run and I became annoyed and pretty much refused to even try and run any faster.  Partly because I was going uphill on a mixed path and knew anything close to a 9 minute pace would have only stuck for 8 miles on a flatter course and partly me being stubborn and thick headed and out of sorts with my longer runs but also partly because my back was giving me problems.  My shorter interval runs during the week are still ok but I think it's because they are over quickly so the pain doesn't have time to settle in.  I'm hoping pushing myself during these sprint workouts will be enough to get me through the 6 miles in the triathlon. Sometimes after a long nights sleep I wake up with my back hurting also.  All that being said I am very VERY nervous about my upcoming triathlon.  I knew I was going to be a little under trained coming into this tri due to when I found out I'd be able to do it but I was ok with that now add back pain and the heat that has finally caught up with us I am doubting myself for the first time in my triathlon history.  I've always been very confident in my triathlons and always new that even though I wasn't a very good runner I could make up for it in the swim and bike.  So many emotions going on with my relationship with this sport right now. 

So that being said after this triathlon I will be concentrating on strengthening my back doing things like bridges, supermans, hipflexor & hamstring stretches and lots and lots of planks!  I will also try to remember to use my knees to lift him instead of bending at the waist when I pick him up from the ground.  But here are a few tips that I can't quite figure out the alternative for: 

• Consider using a "front pack" to carry the baby when you are walking. (I do have one of these and have it with me when we take our walks in case he gets tired but my back still hurts even when I use it)
• Do not carry a child on your hip; this overloads the back muscles. (How am I supposed to carry him a la piggy back ride style?)

Any other moms/dads out there have figured out other helpful tips?

In the meantime I have been doing pretty well at not freaking out about my lapses in training and have really been enjoying my family time this summer.  Hubs and I have been doing really well lately with communication and splitting chores and allowing each other time to do our "own" thing.  I'm so proud of him taking our son to the museum and the splash park and group play times, it's not easy with our son who is going through a "phase" of being very rambunctious when in a group setting he runs around like crazy not paying any attention to the instructor, sometimes slaps at kids when trying to say hello or when wanting to get on a toy that they are already on.  We just keep patiently correcting him or removing him from the situation but it does wear on you emotionally and physically.  Now once hubs is back in school I hope to keep up these positive advances! :-)  I know stress gets to the best of us and that's usually when things go bonkers.

On the work front even though I miss my son like crazy every single day and I still wish I could work from home.  At least my work has become a little more fulfilling lately.  I've really enjoyed mentoring a new employee and getting to make some progress on some bigger projects that in the past I've had to put on the back burner.  Even though I've been super busy and barely any time to breath it's been more rewarding.  

Here's just a few photos from our fun outings: 

Perfecting my selfie skills

my brother and I at the Smash Mouth concert

My longest ride in a very long time 30 miles

Swim classes

Market at the rail yards

Father/son outing to Explora

Ups and downs of running, or random runner thoughts

This weekend hubs had signed up for a motorcycle course so if I wanted to get my workouts in I was going to have to get up very early, that happened on Saturday for my 8 mile run.  I got up at 5:15 am and headed out the door.  It was a tough one for some reason that day but I got it done even though it took me 1:27.  Not that you asked but I thought I'd give you a little insight on my thought process that on a run that doesn't go as well as I would have wanted:

1st 4 miles (uphill mostly):

* Geez 5:15 am is way too early for a Saturday, why am I the only one out here?  Hello?  I know there are crazier runners than me?  Did I miss the memo and everyone else is at some super fun awesome race?
 * Why the heck did he sign up for that class?  When does he think he's going to be getting a motorcycle? Is he going through an early midlife crisis?  If so I don't want to be around for his 40s.
* Wow it's still a little chilly out and where did that wind come from?
* Look at the clouds brooding over the mountains they look angry and they are keeping the sun from coming out!
* My right butt cheek hurts! What is that about?  What if I have a running injury and I have to tell the Dr. it's my right butt cheek, what if I have to go to PT what would that consist of, 20 butt cheek squeezes?  Oh man I don't have time for a running injury!
* Another runner yay! Wait who does he think he is oh you're too good to say hello, you think you're faster than me?  Yes, ok you're faster than me but there's no need to not make eye contact...
*I'm tired, dehydrated and running on an empty tank for fear that if I had gone into the kitchen to get a banana I would have woken the sleeping beauties, oh the mom guilt whoa is me.
* I don't even remember waking up and getting dressed my legs definitely aren't awake yet, why is there led in them? Move please move!

2nd 4 miles (downhill)

*Ahhh, my right butt cheek isn't hurting anymore I'm saved! It's a miracle there will be no need to amputate! I must have just needed to warm up.
* Oh look at the wonderful sun over the quaint houses in the valley gently nudging everyone awake, what a beautiful morning!
* Another jogger, "Good morning, what a pretty dog you have! It's a great day!"
* I'm glad hubs is getting to take this class for free he needs some more time away to get a break.  At least he's getting up with the kiddo to feed him while I go for my run.
*I'm so glad I got up early to do this now I'm done and I can enjoy the rest of my day with my wonderful bright eyed smiling faced son! Life is good, I'm so lucky I get to and am able to run!
* I'm getting a negative split for once yay! (of course it's not because I'm going downhill on the way back)

Walk in the door ready to tackle the day! And greeted by:

On Sunday I needed to do a 25 mile bike ride but by the time hubs got home it was in the 90s and our first hot day of the summer.  I called it!  Yes, no excuses I didn't go due to being a wimp!  Instead we took my son to the splash park and I watched him squeal with joy as he attacked the spraying water.  What does this mean for my training? IDK and I'm not going to think about it.  It's a new week and all I can do is re-commit. 

After my run I got to have a breakfast date with my little man and he behaved wonderfully and I got to relax and slowly drink TWO cups of tea!  It's the small victories that make it all worth it!

Happy Training!