To my son:

Stress is at an all time high and I haven't been working out as I would like but I have been taking the time to watch my son grow and know that with time the stress will dissipate and my love for my son will not.  I have a 4 mile fun run that not only am I not trained up for I even forgot it was this weekend until my husband mentioned it to me.  But instead of freaking out I just asked him if he would mind taking my son along to see me run.  I want him to know that his mom will always give her all even if it's not perfect.  I may be inching away from my goal of meeting race weight for next season instead of towards it but that is not adding to my stress.  I will put that goal in it's place and wait until the timing is right.  I wrote a letter to my son right before his birthday not sure where it came from but I know that for now this is where my focus is:

To my son:

As your second birthday approaches I am proud and sentimental.  Every evening as I cradle you in my arms to help you brush your teeth I look at your curious and kind eyes and become a little sentimental.  I fight back the tears I feel welling up and smile at you.  I think about how I cradled you for most of your first year and how good it feels to provide you comfort, protection and joy.  As you passed through your second year, your head gradually lifted from my arms as you became more independent and eager to explore the world.  With each bounding step and curious point and ohhh and ahhh your head found my arms less and less.   As we sit on the month of your second anniversary of life the only time I get to cradle you is while I brush your teeth.  A simple daily chore to you, a treasured opportunity for me.  I cherish these moments and soak them in and am so happy that you let me help you with brushing your teeth because without those moments I would no longer have the chance to cradle you.  Even then as I see your bouncing legs spill over my lap I know that this too will soon fade as you will get too big to cradle and you will be brushing your teeth completely on your own.  My love for you knows no boundaries and I am amazed daily by the capacity of one’s heart to grow, every time I think my heart might burst because of all the love I have for you it grows a little more.  So as I open up my cradled arms to let you spread your wings and fly like a butterfly coming out of its cocoon I hope you know that if you look back and see a tear slide down my cheek it is not out of sadness but out of overwhelming joy, never ending love, insurmountable pride and simple contentment. 

I have lived a very full life and am very lucky that you have come along to continue on this journey with me.  I have no regrets and strive to learn from my mistakes and hope to pass along what you may find helpful so that you may feel this kind of joy in your life as you explore the world and make the best of what you have.  I hope to show you that to be loved is also to give love and that to be kind to this earth we inhabit and all those who try to have their small piece on it as well will enrich your life more than any material item ever will.  To be part of a community and take action for what you believe.  To not ever be scared of what others may think as long as you know that your heart is always in the right place.  To analyze and question with an open mind and never go along with the status quo just because but for when you do it’s because it’s what your heart and mind tell you is right.    It’s ok to be different it’s ok to be the same.  I am not perfect and I will get angry or sad and make mistakes but will always, always love you and come back to that for strength.  If I can only be that strength for you, then I will feel I’ve been the mother you deserve.  

Conflict

Conflict.  Yes I said it conflict.  Doesn't it seem like every time you say that word it gets harsher? Conflict surrounds so many parts of our lives and we tend to view it as having a negative connotation.  But can it be positive and help us grow?  I am in the business of conflict or the resolution of it, yet I still don't understand where it comes from in most cases.  I have conflict in my personal life.  Kind of as a break away from my last post about perfectionism, I have daily battles with the conflict that arises from my perception of how things "should be" and how they really are.  But if I could just figure out how to PAUSE then conflict wouldn't be an issue.  During a work luncheon today the speaker proposed a very simplistic approach to conflict but it makes a lot of sense we just don't take the time to think about it.  I personally know most of my actions that I take due to a perceived conflict tend to be knee jerk reactions and if I would just pause for a minute my reaction may very well differ and potentially have more favorable results.  But his main point was conflict starts within us before we ever have that conversation with someone else.  We have our own "world" and our own perceptions therefore conflict starts with us before even adding someone else into the mix. 

He asked don't we all have that one thing that sets us off?  The one I volunteered is "the poor me syndrome" if anyone comes off as having that attitude as if everything is always happening TO them and nothing is ever their fault and woe is me life is so unfair it irks me.  But do I ever pause to think where they are coming from?  Of coure to avoid those knee jerk reactions we have to practice, practice, practice.  For me I have to really practice the pause.  Instead of hitting reply and angrily sending off an email 2 seconds after receiving it or instead of drastically changing my entire training plan because of one little hiccup if I would just pause I think my results would be much different. 

Conflict can arise from diversity and from change and those things can be very inspiring and energizing.  I'm an all or nothing kind of person and I'm an action item addict.  What can I do right now to make things happen?  But sometimes looking down the road a little bit further would be very helpful.  I accomplished only some of my goals this last training season and I often backed out of races because I knew I wasn't going to get my ideal training in.  But if I changed my world a little my results may make me happier.  Maybe I wouldn't have been able to finish as strong as I wanted but I would have been able to participate in more races and hang out with my friends that inspire me to do more and do better.  If I can't do that long bike ride out on the road then I guess I need to get on the trainer and make the best of it.  If I'm too tired to get that sprint training in on the track at night maybe a quick jog around the neighborhood instead wouldn't be the end of the world.

We both got new running shoes!

My new favorite hat, race swag.

This weekend I was able to go for a run, a bike ride, and even test out some new bikes.  I was able to have some quality family time and enjoy my weekend.  That's what sticks with me.  Not the fact that my son was a little sleep deprived on Sat. and was extra cranky with me most of the day.  Because that Sunday he was a ray of sunshine and made up for any of the headaches he gave me the day before.  This last week I really worked hard and got some quality work outs in even though I wasn't training for anything other than life.  Today I had to skip my lunch workout due to this meeting and I'm already thinking to myself there's no way I'm going to get out there on the track after 7pm on a full stomach and do those sprints, who am I kidding thinking I should look for a half marathon to train for.  But instead I'm going to say you know what I may or may not make it to the track, I may or may not find a half marathon to train for this fall.  But I'm going to pause and instead of all or nothing if I don't get out on the track I'm going to do some sort of run somehow.  Even if it's just a mile with the dog.  I'm going to breathe some fresh air and leave

Our post ride selfie he's always so happy to see me when I get home!

This kid loves chips and salsa just like his moma!

work behind and forget about the mess in the kitchen.

Happy Training!

Perfecting my Imperfections...

Over the long weekend I told a friend that I was going down to Tingley Beach (a few very small man made lakes) with my 2 yo to feed the ducks bread.  She said she would join us with her daughter.  When we met up as I grabbed my son just as he was knee deep in duck poop water and trying to swim after the ducks and her daughter was asking her for more bread I laughed.  I said "You know when I invited you I envisioned a much more relaxing event!!!"  I thought our children might slowly throw in pieces of bread from a distance not right at the edge of the water, I imagined a cool breeze not a hotter than normal labor day, and I thought we'd be chatting and catching up on our latest adventures.  Instead I was sweating more than I do on a hard work out chasing my son in the hot sun protecting him from the angry geese that don't like to be chased by a two year old trying to force feed them stale bread (they probably have ptsd after escaping a foie gras farm), explaining to him that no we can't swim in the dirty water, trying to get him to share the bread we brought with his friend, reminding him no not all dogs are Lexi and some of them bight, and watching as my friend runs to the bathroom with her recently potty trained daughter before she pees her pants.  I think we got about two full sentences in with each other.  In the end though as I sat in the car with the air conditioner blasting to cool us off and my son sat in the back chugging water and saying "quack, qua, bye, bye ducky" we both were content and ready to head home for a big meal. 

Why did I open with this little story?  Well, I feel like that has been my life lately.  These visions of perfect scenarios dancing in my head but when I live them they are a series of imperfections.  I have been on a hiatus from writing on here not purposefully but more from feeling overwhelmed with life.  Work has been stressful and my triathlon season was not what I thought it would be and my home life has been a roller coaster.  But in the end I'm still here and I'm still living to my fullest potential and my son brings me the light I need to sustain the energy to keep going.  Even though I was running late to that one triathlon and missed podium by 20 seconds or so I was so happy to have my son there watching me and my parents there helping.  My life is no where near perfect but as long as I have my family and friends there as support I'll be able to keep my head above water.  As long as my son keeps telling me "luv uuuu mama" and laughing hysterically when I dance with him I'll be fulfilled.  I just have to let go of the perfectionism or striving for unattainable goals.  Focus on the ones I can accomplish and make new ones as I meet those.  I made my goals for off season.

This season I did 2 sprint triathlons and 1 olympic.  I felt strong considering that I never got in all the training time I wanted. But of course I'm not back to what I was use to feeling like out there.  What surprised me the most is how hard it has been to rebuild my bike base.  So over the off season I'm looking to get back to my old "race weight" which is not too far off from where I am now but I just feel like it would help make me faster but more importantly just to eat "cleaner" so that I feel my best.  The first thing I did was re-quit drinking Diet Dr Ps and I'm also cutting out alcohol.  Other than that I eat pretty clean besides the occasional dessert indulgence.  I'm also increasing my weight training to make sure my abs and back are strong before starting up again.  Surprisingly my swim felt the most improved this season.  I'm looking at investing in new bike (mine is over 12 years old and has been through 2 IMs, 1 HIM, and over 40 sprint and olympics) I think the poor thing is on it's last leg.  You can hear me coming from a mile away and the chain keeps falling off.  I'm also looking to invest in a treadmill so I can do interval training at home when I can't leave the house because the kiddo is sleeping and I'm the only one there to take care o him.  My goal for next season is to do 3-4 sprints and 1 olympic distance. Yes, you got that right I'm not setting time or other goals just goals to get out there more!

He turned 2 last month!!

Trying a new brand nervous...

Happy Training!!!