To my son:

Stress is at an all time high and I haven't been working out as I would like but I have been taking the time to watch my son grow and know that with time the stress will dissipate and my love for my son will not.  I have a 4 mile fun run that not only am I not trained up for I even forgot it was this weekend until my husband mentioned it to me.  But instead of freaking out I just asked him if he would mind taking my son along to see me run.  I want him to know that his mom will always give her all even if it's not perfect.  I may be inching away from my goal of meeting race weight for next season instead of towards it but that is not adding to my stress.  I will put that goal in it's place and wait until the timing is right.  I wrote a letter to my son right before his birthday not sure where it came from but I know that for now this is where my focus is:

To my son:

As your second birthday approaches I am proud and sentimental.  Every evening as I cradle you in my arms to help you brush your teeth I look at your curious and kind eyes and become a little sentimental.  I fight back the tears I feel welling up and smile at you.  I think about how I cradled you for most of your first year and how good it feels to provide you comfort, protection and joy.  As you passed through your second year, your head gradually lifted from my arms as you became more independent and eager to explore the world.  With each bounding step and curious point and ohhh and ahhh your head found my arms less and less.   As we sit on the month of your second anniversary of life the only time I get to cradle you is while I brush your teeth.  A simple daily chore to you, a treasured opportunity for me.  I cherish these moments and soak them in and am so happy that you let me help you with brushing your teeth because without those moments I would no longer have the chance to cradle you.  Even then as I see your bouncing legs spill over my lap I know that this too will soon fade as you will get too big to cradle and you will be brushing your teeth completely on your own.  My love for you knows no boundaries and I am amazed daily by the capacity of one’s heart to grow, every time I think my heart might burst because of all the love I have for you it grows a little more.  So as I open up my cradled arms to let you spread your wings and fly like a butterfly coming out of its cocoon I hope you know that if you look back and see a tear slide down my cheek it is not out of sadness but out of overwhelming joy, never ending love, insurmountable pride and simple contentment. 

I have lived a very full life and am very lucky that you have come along to continue on this journey with me.  I have no regrets and strive to learn from my mistakes and hope to pass along what you may find helpful so that you may feel this kind of joy in your life as you explore the world and make the best of what you have.  I hope to show you that to be loved is also to give love and that to be kind to this earth we inhabit and all those who try to have their small piece on it as well will enrich your life more than any material item ever will.  To be part of a community and take action for what you believe.  To not ever be scared of what others may think as long as you know that your heart is always in the right place.  To analyze and question with an open mind and never go along with the status quo just because but for when you do it’s because it’s what your heart and mind tell you is right.    It’s ok to be different it’s ok to be the same.  I am not perfect and I will get angry or sad and make mistakes but will always, always love you and come back to that for strength.  If I can only be that strength for you, then I will feel I’ve been the mother you deserve.