I was lost and am not yet found..

It took me a while to figure out what the heck I'm doing and I'm not completely there yet but I'm also not feeling as lost as I was when I first went MIA from social media.  I took a break from my blog, dailymile, FB, Twitter, I think that's all I'm on.  I was feeling lost and had no faith in "the process" I didn't trust that just putting in the work for now would eventually get me back to where I wanted to be.  I was desperate that I would never be able to be a triathlete again and sad that I was losing such a big part of what I use to identify with!  I felt I was not being true to myself and frustrated with the situations around me that I felt weren't allowing me to be who I wanted to be.  I realized I alienated the few followers I did have on here and I am mainly going to be keeping this blog to remind myself of the good things in my life, because let's face it we usually like to sugar coat our "online" life and only write about the good but I don't think that's a bad thing.  It's a way to focus on those things and remain positive.  So for that reason alone I decided I needed to start chronicling my adventures again even if they seem like much smaller adventures these days.  I am a little sad that I alienated some of my friends and family by getting off of FB but am also surprised to find out some of them who had my personal contact info didn't find other ways to keep in touch.  However, was also pleasantly surprised by the ones who did!  So while my son's 1st birthday is probably enough to coax me back on there and show those who have asked that are too far away to participate I will proceed with caution.  It's also amazing how many people and groups solely rely on that website to plan and communicate about events.  Again was happy to hear from those who still sent out emails to those of us who weren't on there.

Sooooo what happened in the last six months?  The last post on here I had just finished a 7k run and my son was about 7 months old.  Now my son is having his first birthday on Sunday and I'm training for a second half post pregnancy.

Here are the few races I did since then:

	ALBUQUERQUE HALF MARATHON           April 19th 2014  NM        2:18:56                 Jay Benson Triathlon      May 11th 2014   NM        1:30:41                 Women's Distance Festival 5K    July 20th 2014    NM        26:05

The one solo sprint triathlon on there was what made me realize I had to take a longer break from triathlons then I wanted.  So I was sad that I decided not to sign up for a half iron distance in Nov. as originally planned but I realized very quickly that trying to train for 3 sports while working full time, being a mom, keeping a household running, doing side projects, and the big one nursing was just not possible.  But I kept running and trying to squeeze in workouts here and there they just weren't the kind that get you excited.  I was barely maintaining.  But in the end it was worth it!  I just couldn't see it at the time and let it get me in a real funk that lasted for way too long and I sometimes feel myself slipping back there again and have to shake it off!  It didn't help that I got a new job, yes it was a promotion, but it also meant I was way busier and learning all kinds of new stuff and the few lunch time works I was getting in were all of a sudden gone and I found myself so tired or hungry once I put my son down for bed at 7pm that I skipped more workouts than I should have.  Most moms are usually pretty ecstatic when they hit their pre-pregnancy weight.  Well, I wasn't because I still felt out of shape and let me tell you clothes still don't fit the same because your body changes, it's just a fact of life I've come to terms with.

My son hit a big milestone this last week that started changing my schedule for the better.  I officially am done nursing and am so happy that I actually made it to 1 year of exclusively nursing.  I thought I'd be lucky if I made it to 6 months then to 9 then when I actually made it to a year it was amazing.  But the time has come and my son is adapting well.  Now I take off around 5 am for a workout and feel so good knowing it's done.  I also seem to get better quality workouts in then when I was doing them at lunch or after work.  I'm still struggling with trying not to make any noise so I don't wake my son up at 5am but hopefully he can learn to sleep through that.  PLEASE tell me they learn to sleep through it... :-)   Also I am so grateful that my parents have been able to provide childcare for us while my husbands in school and am even more grateful that now they will be able to help us and have a home to go to at night :-)  They were living with us during the week and we love each other very much but I know all of us were ready to have our own space again.  So that will help tremendously.  The last hurdle I have to overcome is communication with hubs.  They say the first year is the hardest, well the first year of marriage for us he was deployed so we didn't really have to figure it all out until the second year of marriage then we threw a baby into the picture and this first year of his life has been full of wonderful surprises, pride and joy but then we forgot about "us" as husband and wife.   I'm not going to lie it has been pretty rocky for us.  While we both have boundless love for our son and every time our son laughs we laugh and our hearts are filled to the brim it sometimes hasn't left room for the marriage part.  It feels like we're figuring out the parenting part easier than the "us" part.  We are pretty much living separate lives with him studying really hard to try and make it through school as fast as possible and me fighting the guilt of not having more time with my son.  We have come a long way but we still struggle not to bicker about the small things.  I hope soon we can find our "happy place" where we both feel appreciated and not that we have to fight to see who's agenda gets priority.  While I'm confident this will happen it can make you feel isolated in the meantime.  But I think along with my son learning to walk, yes he has been fully mobile for almost a month now, ahhhh!!!!, we will also learn to walk the sometimes rocky path of parenthood, marriage, self fulfillment, professional life and maybe even a social life!

ALL that being said I am excited about my upcoming races, possibly joining a 5 am master's swim group, dipping my toe back into triathlons, my sons ever expanding knowledge, curiosity and personality, and some very exciting news about a side project that will hopefully be ready to reveal very soon!!!  I am so thankful for those who have been there to get me through this year and have put up with my ups and downs.

HAPPY TRAINING!!!!